I Know He’s Bad for Me. So Why is it so Hard to Leave?

There is a particular kind of frustration that comes from knowing something intellectually and still not being able to do it.

You know the relationship isn’t good for you, it hurts and you know you're unhappy.

In fact, you've probably given your friends excellent advice about relationships exactly like yours.

You might even have left the last bad relationship, yet there you are again.

You tried to end it and perhaps you even did and still you answer his message….give him another chance.

You explain away his behaviour to yourself and are still waiting for the version of him you fell in love with to come back.

And somewhere in the middle of all of this, you start asking yourself:

What is wrong with me?

Your logical brain isn't the only one in the room

We love the idea that humans make decisions rationally but we just don't.

If we did, nobody would smoke, procrastinate, text an ex at 11:47pm or buy a pair of shoes they absolutely do not need when they know they’ll blow their budget.

Knowing something and being able to act on it are two very different things.

You can consciously know:

This relationship is hurting me.

While another part of you is still deeply attached to the moments when it feels safe, loving and connected.

And that's where things get painful.

Because if someone treated you badly all the time, leaving would probably be considerably easier.

But that's often not what happens.

The good times matter

There may be tenderness.

Sex.

Laughter.

Apologies.

Promises.

Beautiful weekends.

Moments when you think, There he is. That's the man I fell in love with.

And suddenly his mood takes over and the previous week doesn't seem quite as important him.

Attachment is interesting and sometimes the inconsistency of the relationship itself makes the attachment harder to break.

When affection, reassurance or connection become unpredictable, you can find yourself paying even more attention to the relationship.

Which version of him am I getting today?

Unpredictability shifts your focus…you monitor…you wait…you hope.

And when the warmth returns, the relief can be enormous. He’s back.

The intermittent reinforcement of fear and relief is powerful.

Your nervous system doesn't only learn from fear. It also learns from what makes the fear stop.

Relief can feel a lot like love

Imagine you've spent two days feeling him pull away. He's cold and something feels off but you have no idea what happened or why. You've replayed every conversation trying to work out what you did.

Then suddenly he reaches for you.

He's affection flows again and everything in your body softens.

Thank God.

That feeling can be incredibly powerful.

But notice what just happened.

The person associated with your distress also became the person who relieved it. That's a very different dynamic from simply feeling safe with someone. And it can make walking away far more complicated than when you friend says:

“Well, if he's treating you badly, just leave.”

That ground breaking is easier said than done.

Then there's hope

Hope gets excellent PR. We're taught that hope is always a good thing.

Sometimes it is. Sometimes hope keeps you emotionally invested in something long after the evidence has started suggesting otherwise.

You don't just see the relationship as it is….you see its potential…who he could be…who you could be together.

The relationship you occasionally glimpse when everything is good is the bait on the hook.

And if you've already invested months or years trying to get there, walking away can feel like abandoning something that was almost about to work.

So you try one more conversation…you try one more boundary…give him one more chance…one more fresh start.

“But I know better.”

This is where intelligent, capable women can be particularly brutal with themselves.

You think because you can see the pattern, you should automatically be able to stop participating in it.

But awareness is only the first step.

Your conscious mind might understand exactly what's happening while your body is still responding to separation, conflict or rejection as something that needs to be fixed immediately.

That's why you can make a perfectly sensible decision at 10am and completely unravel when his name appears on your phone at 7pm.

The question may not be “Why can't I leave?”

Try asking something more useful:

What happens inside me when I try to leave?

Do you panic?

Feel guilty?

Do you suddenly remember every beautiful thing about him?

Or start questioning whether it was really that bad?

Do you feel responsible for his pain? Do you feel guilt?

Maybe you are terrified you've made a mistake?

Do you go back because you want relief from the discomfort?

That's where the interesting information is.

Because if leaving activates something unbearable inside you, repeatedly telling yourself that you should leave doesn't resolve the thing pulling you back.

Leaving physically and leaving emotionally are separate things

You can end a relationship and still be completely organised around it.

Be honest, do you check his social media? Imagine what he's doing? Do you wait for him to contact you?

In your heard, do you rehearse what you'd say the next time you speak? If you speak…

Do you wonder if he’s changed? Has he learned anything about his behaviour?

That's why recovery isn't simply about moving on from a breakup.

It's also about understanding the patterns that kept you attached to them.

Understanding your hypervigilance, why you indulged the hope.

Understanding your self-doubt and your need to repair the relationship and the fear of disconnection…why you override you.

The goal isn't just to become strong enough to leave someone who hurts you.

It's to become connected enough to yourself that you don't have to repeatedly abandon yourself to stay.